Marriage, Parenting



@Thatinnapropriatedad here to break down the stereotypes of the straight edge dad raising their kids the “right way.” I’m a #cigarsmoking, #Copenhagen dipping, #booze drinking, asshole of a naval #Officer with two kids and a #thirstforadventure. I watch my #boobie videos with my son in the room and teach him to say boobies when he sees a nice lookin’ lady. It is all in fun, because a two year old stretched out yelling boobies to some 20 year olds on base is only cute for so long.

But get over my sarcastic assholery; I am here to talk about my #assholeson. This kid thinks he is the shit cause he can pull women left and right. Like, little dude, calm your little ass down, remember whose genes you got. I take my son out to “Check out the scene,” and it is like my 2 year old is strolling the streets as the pimp he thinks he is. How #proudfather should be to see his son getting so much attention from the ladies, but poor old dad, not one glance. I am only 26 for fuck-sake. Throw the old dog a bone.


So I work my ass off to pay for his “Dad is Awesome” Onsie that all the girls love, but forget that “Awesome dad” who is carrying him. The little dude is all that matters. The little asshole even has the audacity to take my #booze and run away with it. Smashes my fine #Cubancigars. And hides my dip tins in his toy bins. But lucky for me, he can’t reach the cupboard where I hide the good stuff. #Suckonthat.


And he is not the only soul suckling asshole that claims the name “Fuller.” My youngest. At 1.5 months old, pure asshole. Sitting there, shitting himself, crying, sleeping, getting to suck on the wife’s #lusciouslumps like he rules the roost. I named the kid after one of the famous Spartans of the Roman times but he cries like a wee bitch when daddy sucks from his yum-yum source. Like, littler dude, dad needs to get some action, calm your ass. You don’t own me.


And to my wife, and all the refined women and men reading this, pour yourself another glass. Here is to rattlesnakes and #condoms. Two things I have never fucked with. And now I have my two little assholes to fill my life with pleasure, happiness, and a reason to #drink. #Cheers.



Note from mommyneedsherjuice: I would like to add that my husband and I adore and love our boys, but we are a sarcastic couple in the best way possible!

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